


Memories of You

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Love, M/M, Memories, Romance, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 13:25:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 5,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1146509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock wakes up to find things are not what he expected them to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This pair is the Kirk and Spock of Happy New Year, Spock. I didn't make it an official series though.
> 
>  
> 
> [Happy New Year, Spock](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1110034)  
> 

 

Spock woke up in his own bed in his own quarters.

  
_Strange_.

He’d just spent New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day with his captain. With Jim. They’d made love more than once…more than twice. There’d been talk of bonding and human marriage.

How did he get back to his own quarters when he’d had no wish to leave Jim? Spock sat up, swung his legs to the floor and stood up.

“Computer, locate Captain Kirk.”

“Kirk, James T., Captain, is on the bridge.”

Spock frowned, but went into the bathroom for a shower. He stopped to look in the mirror and noticed the amorous marks on his throat from Jim. There were three of them. He showered in an efficient amount of time and dressed in his uniform.

When he stepped foot on the bridge, Jim turned his chair toward Spock and offered him his usual cool, Captain’s smile.

“Hey, Mr. Spock.”

“Captain.” He went to his station and wondered what he had expected. It would not be appropriate for them to discuss their relationship openly on the bridge.

When the shift was over he followed his captain into the turbolift.

“So, Spock,” Jim said, his voice conversational. “Got any plans?”

“I hoped to spend the evening with you.”

Jim looked startled. “With me?”

Spock felt an uncomfortable flutter in his side. “After last night, I thought we would be spending our evenings together.”

“Last night?”

“New Year’s Eve.”

“I know what night it was. Happy New Year by the way.” Jim shook his head. “But Spock, we didn’t spend last night together. You spent it with Uhura.”

“Nyota? Why?”

Jim shrugged. “I dunno. Cause she’s your girlfriend?”

The flutter in his side increased. “I do not understand.”

“That makes two of us.” Jim gave him a tentative smile and patted his arm. “I spent last night with Bones, Spock. Drinking too much I might add. I would remember if you were there.”

Spock felt ill. But he thought—he had thought—he and Jim were—

“Spock? You okay?”

“I believe I am not well, Captain.”

“You thought we spent last night together? Doing what?”

“I—I suppose I am mistaken, Captain. My apologies. I believe I will pay a visit to Dr. McCoy.”

“Okay. Let me know what he says.” 

Spock made his way to the medbay in sort of a fog. He was not mistaken that he had Jim’s bite marks on his throat. He knew he could not be mistaken. Was there something wrong with Jim?

When he entered the medbay, McCoy was with an ensign who was sitting on the edge of a biobed. He glanced over at Spock, spoke a few more words to the female ensign and then stepped over to where Spock stood waiting.

“What can I do for you, Spock?”

“Doctor, were you with the captain last night?”

McCoy frowned. “With him?”

“Did you spend the night with him?”

“That’s kind of a personal question.”

Spock stiffened. It had not occurred to him that Jim would engage in sexual congress with the doctor, but now he needed to know. “You were intimate with him?”

McCoy snorted. “Me and Jim? Hell no. What the hell is this about, Spock?”

“Did you and the captain engage in drinking last night?” Spock demanded, not allowing himself to give into the relief he felt at hearing Jim had not slept with McCoy.

“Well, yeah, why are you asking?”

“Doctor, I request that you examine me to ascertain whether I am functioning properly.”

McCoy gave him a strange look, which Spock was definitely not interested in, and led him to a biobed. The doctor did several tests.

“Well, doctor?”

“Everything checks out, Spock. Have you been feeling poorly?”

“No.” Spock stood. “Thank you, doctor.”

“Got symptoms?”

“I would prefer not to discuss it. If I have any other issues, I will come to see you. I must meditate.”

McCoy shrugged. “Suit yourself.”

As Spock left he was certain the doctor muttered the word, “hobgoblin.”

Spock went to his quarters and keyed in his entry.

“God, there you are,” Jim exclaimed as soon as he entered.

“Captain?”

Jim laughed and launched himself at Spock, kissing his jaw. “Are we back to that? Didn’t I tell you it’s Jim when you’re going to fuck me?”


	2. Chapter 2

Spock could not deny he was aroused by Jim’s kisses, but at the moment his confusion overrode his interest in sexual congress.

“Captain.”

Jim sighed and stepped back out of Spock’s arms. “What?”

“A short time ago you indicated you did not intend to spend the evening with me. Have you changed your mind?” Spock asked carefully.

“What?” Jim shook his head. “That’s not true. You said to wait for you in your quarters because you had some experiment to finish in one of the labs.” He bit his lip. “I don’t understand, Spock. Are you-you having second thoughts?”

Spock blinked. Jim’s confusion and anxiety seemed genuine. “Negative. I admit I am not quite myself.”

Jim stepped close again and framed Spock’s jaw with his hand. “Are you okay? Do you need to see Bones?”

“Captain—Jim, did we spend last night together?”

Jim frowned. “Of course we did. You…you don’t remember? You kind of asked me to marry you. Fuck. You didn’t mean it, did you?” Jim’s blue eyes suddenly clouded over and he backed away from Spock. “I’m an idiot.”

“Jim, no.” Spock’s side twisted. “I did mean it. Everything. I am…experiencing some difficulty.”

“That’s it. I am contacting Bones.”

“I request you wait.” Spock took Jim’s hand and led him over to the bunk and sat there with him. “Last night was New Year’s Eve. Dr. McCoy requested you stay in your quarters. I came to see you. We participated in sexual congress and declared our mutual regard for each other. Is that your understanding of events?”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. It’s not yours?”

“It is. However, this morning I woke up in my quarters alone. I went to the bridge and worked my shift. Then I entered the turbolift with you where you denied we spent the prior night together, advised I was still engaged in a romantic relationship with Nyota, and that you had spent the evening drinking with the doctor.”

“What? No, Spock. None of that happened.”

Spock exhaled slowly. “What do you believe happened?”

“We spent the night together as I said, we woke up, showered, dressed in our uniforms, went to the bridge. Did our shift. You said you had work to do in your lab. I did some reports, had dinner with Bones, then came here to wait for you.”

Spock did not know how he could have gotten the day so different from Jim’s recollection. He had a feeling he was missing some important information. Something he knew, something just out of his reach.

“Spock, let me call Bones. You’re really freaking me out.”

“I apologize, Jim. I am just trying to understand—”

“Bridge to Captain Kirk.”

Jim clenched his jaw but got up and went to the comm on his wall. “Yes, Lieutenant?”

“Distress signal, sir,” Uhura said. “From the planet, Myriad. They say they are under attack from Klingons.”

“Klingons? We’ll be right there. Have a course plotted for Myriad and go to Warp 4.”

“Aye, Captain.”


	3. Chapter 3

 Spock woke up in his quarters. He blinked, rubbed his eyes, and sat up. “Jim?”

He blew out a breath and rose from his bed. “Computer locate Captain Kirk.”

“Kirk, James T., Captain, is not on board the Enterprise.”

Spock frowned, the ache in his side growing worse. “Computer, where is Captain James T. Kirk?”

“Kirk, James T., Captain was killed in action on the planet Myriad, Stardate 2345.6.”

His breath froze. “What is the current Stardate?”

“Stardate 2345.9.”

_No_.

No, it was not possible. Jim could not be dead. No. No. Not again. No.

Spock stumbled to his desk to his terminal. He blinked at the file labeled, Captain James T. Kirk. He clicked on it and Jim appeared.

He was beautiful. So beautiful that for a long time Spock just stared at him, not hearing a word he said. He froze the video and continued to stare. Jim’s blue eyes were clear, his smile slightly crooked. He wore his gold tunic. He looked as alive as the last time Spock had seen him.

Spock went back to the beginning of the message and unfroze it.

“Hi Spock. I guess if you’re watching this, I’m dead. Again. Wow, and how weird is that to say? I’m guessing it stuck this time. God, I’m sorry. Does that sound flippant?

Spock, I wanted to leave you this message in case…well in case I never told you what you meant to me. Because really, I bet I didn’t. Because you know, you may not believe this, Spock, but I was afraid. I’ve loved you for so long. Yeah, I said it. I love you.

And I can’t even tell you when I first started loving you. But it’s been years. It seems like there’s never been a time when I didn’t love you. At first there was Uhura and then when you guys broke up I kept waiting for a sign, you know, that maybe there was something there from you other than friendship. But I don’t know, is there ever a way to know for sure? I didn’t and so I stayed quiet. Or I think I did.

God I’m babbling, aren’t I? Sorry about that. I just want you to know, now that I’m gone, that I really loved you. You were everything to me and I am sorry, really sorry, I never told you that. And now it’s too late.”

Jim smiled. “Kirk out.”

Spock clenched his fists as the video ended.

This could not be. Jim could not be dead. He would not accept this. He could not have finally found contentment with Jim only to have it cruelly taken from him.

He closed the file and then noticed another one titled ‘Time Travel’. Frowning, he opened it. He drew in a breath.

Jim really _was_ dead. The very thought threatened his carefully contained control. And Spock…he’d been attempting to go back in time to save his captain.

According to the notes he’d made before, he’d attempted to go back to just before Jim beamed down to Myriad. He’d mistakenly gone back to New Year’s Day the year before when he and Nyota were still together and he hadn’t admitted his feelings for Jim yet.

Spock gripped the edges of the desk. But just now, he was back at almost the correct time. The distress signal had come in from Myriad, so why hadn’t it worked? Why was he here again without Jim?

“Bridge to Captain Spock.”

No.

He was not captain. Jim was captain. And Spock refused to accept anything else. He rose and punched the wall, causing a dent in it. He didn’t even feel it. He had to go back to that time. He had to.


	4. Chapter 4

 “Did you and Uhura really break up?” Jim asked him softly. They were side by side on the observation deck.

_Not the right time. No, not the right time at all._

But Jim was here and he was…alive. So alive, the room thrummed with it. And Spock longed to touch him. Feel him.

“Spock?”

He needed to get back, needed to find the right time. But…Jim was here and _alive_. Spock gripped Jim’s arms and shoved him against the wall, his hands caressing those muscular arms.

Jim gasped. “What the—”

Of course this was not what had happened that day but Spock could not care. He wanted skin. Jim’s skin. He cupped Jim’s jaw, rubbed his thumb over those tempting lips.

“Spock,” Jim said breathlessly.

Spock covered Jim’s mouth with his. Jim whimpered and then he was clutching at Spock, grabbing onto his tunic and Spock knew even then Jim loved him. Why hadn’t he seen? Why had he waited so long to have this? And now it was gone.

He could linger in this time now forever, with Jim alive. But he wanted Jim alive in the right time. He had already been forced to endure Jim’s death twice. Never again. He tore his mouth away from Jim’s.

“I must go.”

“Wait, what?” Jim asked, pupils blown wide, his face contorted with confusion and hurt.

“I am sorry. Just know this…I cherish thee.”

****

Spock’s side ached with a pain and emptiness that would not go away. He knew true heartache now. And he remembered everything. The last words he’d said to Jim in the transporter room.

_“I request to go with you, Captain,” Spock said._

_“I want you to stay on the ship. I need you to take command of the Enterprise, Spock.”_

_“The situation on Myriad is unstable.”_

_Jim smiled, touched Spock’s hand. “I know. That’s why one of us needs to stay on board. I need someone I trust up here, taking control of what needs to be done. You know, in case there’s more trouble down on the planet than I anticipate.”_

_“Then I will go.” He could not explain it, it was not logical, but Spock was filled with a dread he could not describe._

_“The council down there is expecting me. Spock, I know us being together makes it even harder to be separated on missions, but it’s going to be all right. Okay?” Jim’s smile was dazzling and he stroked his fingers along Spock’s. “We still have to get married, remember?”_

_Spock made himself nod. “I remember. Very well, Captain.”_

And he watched his captain beam down with a landing party that had not included him.

He’d been on the bridge when Mr. Scott had contacted him. Later he’d wondered why Mr. Scott always seemed to be involved when he lost Jim.

_“Scott to Enterprise.”_

_“Spock here. Where is the Captain?”_

_“He’s been shot. We’re bringing him back. Have medbay stand by.”_

Scott’s voice had given nothing away. Not this time. Spock had told McCoy to meet him in the transporter room. When Spock had arrived, they’d just beamed on board. Scott had been holding Jim’s very pale, lifeless body in his arms.

The doctor had rushed forward with his scanners and Spock would be haunted by his words for the rest of his days.

_“He’s gone.”_


	5. Chapter 5

Spock did not know why when he’d first gone back in time to try to save Jim he had not remembered why he was there or that he was from the future. But he knew now. His memories of Jim—of everything—were becoming stronger.

When he found himself walking next to Jim in the corridor just outside the officer quarters, the first thing he did was to push Jim against the wall and kiss him.

“Spock—whoa whoa.”

He stepped back, gazed into the confused blue eyes. “Are we together?”

“Excuse me?”

“Now. Are we currently engaged in a romantic relationship? Are we together?”

“Well, yeah.” Jim shook his head. “But what the hell? You’ve never wanted to make out in the corridor before.”

Spock frowned. “When did we establish our relationship?”

“You’re really weirding me out here, Spock. Right after you and Uhura broke up. On the observation deck. And then, you gotta remember she was really pissed, right? She hit me.”

He blinked. “Nyota hit you?”

Jim laughed. “Yeah, something about how she always expected I wanted her boyfriend. Are you okay? Should I call Bones?”

“I did not intend to cause problems between you and Nyota.”

“It’s fine. And anyway that’s not a problem anymore. We’re fine now. Everyone is good. Spock?”

Spock realized him coming to Jim earlier on the observation deck had already changed the past. Which meant he could possibly change more. He leaned forward and kissed him again. “We have discussed bonding and marriage?”

“Uh, yeah. God, Spock. I’m calling Bones.”

“One moment, Jim. Please. This is important.” Spock kept touching him. Kept stroking his fingers across exposed skin. Desperate for any contact he could maintain with Jim. “Have we formalized a bond or just spoken of doing so?”

Jim shook his head. “We’ve done a few melds, mostly surface stuff.”

Spock sucked in a breath. “We must bond.”

“Well, okay, um, when?”

“Now would be appropriate.” Spock yanked Jim from the wall and pushed him toward the door of his quarters. He didn’t know why but he believed if they were bonded it might be easier to save Jim in the future.

“Spock, now? Are you—?”

Spock had him against the wall in Spock’s quarters. He would have liked to take his time with this. Do it so it was memorable for Jim, special. Perhaps even take him to New Vulcan for their bonding. But there was no time for sentimentalities. It was not logical when he needs to prevent Jim’s fate.

“Shh, Ashaya.” He set his fingers on Jim’s psi points. He hoped this would work. It must.

****

Spock staggered as he was brought out of that time again. Each time he was forced to leave a living Jim it tore another piece of him to shreds. Now the pain was worse. The emptiness in his head more real as not only did he lose Jim, but their bond was severed.

This comforts Spock knowing that he was able to change the past to bond them before Jim died. And yet it was somehow worse, more painful, more heart rending.

Being repeatedly torn from Jim was taking its toll on Spock. He'd put up massive mental shields and he could only hope they would be enough to stave off the madness of being without his bondmate.

There was a chime at his quarters’ door and he wished to ignore it. He has no time to deal with present issues as he can only concentrate on trying to fix the past.

“Come,” he said curtly.

It is the doctor and he looks exhausted. “Spock, you missed your medical exam.”

“I do not have time for that at the moment, doctor.”

“You’ve had a terrible loss, Spock. Losing Jim—”

Spock flinched. “I request to be alone.”

“Listen, I’m devastated by Jim’s death too.”

He closed his eyes. The doctor was Jim’s best friend and they had been through a lot together. He had no doubt McCoy was grieving. But it was not the same as what Spock was going through. Jim was his T’hy’la. Something Dr. McCoy could not possibly understand. But he tried for patience. Jim would not appreciate him being unkind to the doctor.

“I am aware of that, doctor. When I am done with…my project, I will report to the medbay.”

Dr. McCoy sighed. “Staying in here, locking yourself away, it’s not a healthy way to deal with grief. I’ll give you some more time, Spock, but Jim wouldn’t want this.”

When McCoy had left his quarters, Spock prepared to time travel once more.


	6. Chapter 6

 “I request to go with you, Captain,” Spock said.

“I want you to stay on the ship. I need you to take command of the Enterprise, Spock.”

“The situation on Myriad is unstable.”

Jim smiled, touched Spock’s hand, the bond coming to life, Spock seeking comfort from the touch. “I know. That’s why one of us needs to stay on board. I need someone I trust up here, taking control of what needs to be done. You know, in case there’s more trouble down on the planet than I anticipate.”

“Then I will go.”

“The council down there is expecting me. T’hy’la, it’s going to be all right. Nothing bad is going to happen. Okay?” Jim’s smile was dazzling and he stroked his fingers along Spock’s.

Spock made himself nod. He knew different. He knew horribly different. But somehow he doubted telling Jim he was going to die down there was the way to stop it. He didn’t know how he knew that. “I remember. Very well, Captain.”

As he watched his bondmate step onto the transporter with his party, Spock sent his love into the bond. He knew Jim felt it because his face softened and he returned the love back to Spock in such a powerful wave of it that it made Spock’s throat ache.

“Energize.”

They disappeared from the transporter and Spock stepped onto it. “Beam me down, Ensign.”

“Commander?”

“That’s an order.”

“But the captain said—”

“I will take responsibility with the captain. Now, Ensign, or I will relieve you of duty.”

“Aye, sir.”

Spock appeared down on Myriad to immediate phaser fire. He drew his phaser and ducked behind shelter.

_Jim, where are you?_

_Spock? What the hell are you doing? Where are you?”_

_I am here on Myriad._

_Spock, I gave you an order._

_You may court martial me later. Where are you?_

_I’m under fire. I’ve already lost two security officers. Scotty and I are okay._

_Direction?_

_North of the beam down point._

_Coming._

His heart beat rapidly in his side as he made his way carefully in the direction his captain had indicated. He stunned several men on the way. He could not shake the feeling that he had done this at least once before and still lost Jim.

_Jim, there is about to be a Klingon over your left shoulder. Duck._

_What—_

_Duck!_

A pause _._

_How did you know that?_

_Later._

Spock rounded the corner at a run. He spotted Mr. Scott first and then saw Jim. A rebel Jim had not noticed had just raised his arm to fire at Jim. Spock rushed forward and threw himself at Jim knocking him to the ground.

He felt the burn of a phaser hit him as he tumbled with Jim.

“Spock, no!”

****

 

“Spock.”

He felt as though a heavy blanket covered him from head to toe. It held him down and he could not see.

“Spock. Come on. Spock.”

His eyelids rose slowly, painfully. Dr. M’Benga was bent over him, shining a bright light into his eyes. Spock swatted at him.

“Hey, hey, I’m trying to help you.”

All he could think of was Jim. Had he saved Jim? This endless agony of not being on time, not doing it right. Was it over? He tried to feel their bond, feel Jim.

“Doctor,” he finally managed to say the word, hoarsely.

“Quiet,” M’Benga said. “You need to remain calm.”

“Where is Dr. McCoy?”

M’Benga frowned. “McCoy? He was killed months ago. With the others on Lyra 2.”

Spock could barely breathe. “Others?”

“Yeah.” The doctor shook his head. “You must have some short term memory loss. The Enterprise was on shore leave to celebrate your bonding with Captain Kirk. The Klingons attacked and destroyed three quarters of the planet.”

Spock could not remember any of that. His throat tightened. The pain was horrible. “Who else was killed?”

“A large part of the crew on the planet at the time. Besides McCoy there was also Lieutenant Sulu and Ensign Chekov.”

This was wrong. All wrong. None of this had happened. Had he done this? Had him going back in time to bond with Jim to save him done this?

“Jim?” he forced himself to ask.

“The Myriad Rebel Army has taken him prisoner. They’ve sent their demands.”

“No.” Spock sat up.

“Commander, you must lay down. You are injured.”

“I must fix this. This cannot be.”

M’Benga tried to push him down, so Spock neck pinched him.


	7. Chapter 7

 “Did you and Uhura really break up?” Jim asked him softly. They were side by side on the observation deck.

_This time again. Before when he’d come back, he’d kissed Jim and they’d both become aware of their feelings. It was here he had begun to change the past._

And the truth was, he wanted to touch Jim again. Kiss him breathless. More than anything in the world he wished he had truly let Jim know then how much he cherished him. He could not. And the pain of denial was intense. Keeping himself from Jim…almost impossible.

“Spock?”

“Affirmative, Captain,” Spock said slowly. “She wished me to make a commitment I was unable to make.”

“A commitment? Like get married?” his captain asked, surprised.

Spock nodded. “She desired to take the next step in our amorous relationship. When I showed my reluctance to do so, she ended things between us.”

“Geez, I’m sorry.”

“You had nothing to do with it.”

Jim smiled. It made Spock ache to touch him. “Well, yeah, I know, Spock. It’s just…humans say they are sorry when something bad happens.”

“Acknowledged.” He curled his hand into a fist because otherwise he would be grabbing the human next to him and crushing him to the bulkhead. His need for Jim almost overwhelmed him.

“You gonna be all right?”

“Of course, Captain. I am not emotionally compromised.”

“Good. That’s good. Wanna go play some chess?” 

“That would be agreeable.”

****

“I request to go with you, Captain,” Spock said. How many times must he relive this moment? He hoped this would be the final time. He hoped he had prevented the change in the past.

“I want you to stay on the ship. I need you to take command of the Enterprise, Spock.”

“The situation on Myriad is unstable.”

Jim smiled, touched Spock’s hand. “I know. That’s why one of us needs to stay on board. I need someone I trust up here, taking control of what needs to be done. You know, in case there’s more trouble down on the planet than I anticipate.”

“Then I will go.” That same feeling of dread, only he knew now it was illogical at all.

 “The council down there is expecting me. Spock, I know us being together makes it even harder to be separated on missions, but it’s going to be all right. Okay?” Jim’s smile was dazzling and he stroked his fingers along Spock’s. “We still have to bond, remember?”

Spock made himself nod. Not sure whether to be relieved or dismayed. “I remember. Very well, Captain.”

Jim squeezed his hand and stepped onto the transporter with the rest of his landing party.

“Energize.”

They disappeared from the transporter and Spock stepped onto it. “Beam me down, Ensign.”

“Commander?”

“That’s an order.”

“But the captain said—”

“I will take responsibility with the captain. Now, Ensign, or I will relieve you of duty.”

“Aye, sir.”

Spock appeared down on Myriad to immediate phaser fire. He drew his phaser and ducked behind shelter.

This time he could not telepathically connect with Jim, so he had to act faster. When Jim was killed he had been shot by both a Myrdian rebel and a Klingon sympathizer.

He sped through the corridor, dodging fire as he went, firing back occasionally, but not taking the time to take anyone out. There was no time for that. He’d done this too many times. Spock never knew when he wouldn’t be able to try this again.

He turned the corner to spot Jim and Mr. Scott under fire.

Spock raised his phaser and shot the Klingon coming for his captain.

“Spock? What the hell?” Jim exclaimed.

He launched himself at Jim knocking him away from the phaser blast.

He felt the burn of a phaser hit him as he tumbled with Jim.

“Spock, no!”

****

“Spock.”

He felt as though a heavy blanket covered him from head to toe. It held him down and he could not see.

“Spock. Come on. Spock.”

His eyelids rose slowly, painfully. Dr. McCoy was bent over him, scowling and shining a bright light into his eyes. _Dr. McCoy_. Spock swatted at him.

“Hey, hey, cut it out. I’m trying to help you.”

All he could think of was Jim. Had he saved Jim? This endless agony of not being on time, not doing it right. Was it over? For good this time?

“Doctor,” he finally managed to say the word, hoarsely.

“Quiet,” McCoy said. “You need to remain calm.”

“Jim?”

McCoy frowned. “Not here.”

Spock’s side twisted painfully. “He-he-didn’t-didn’t-m-make it?”

“Of course he did. He’s not here on the ship. He’s down on Myriad talking to the council. He should be back soon. In fact, I commed him the minute I could tell you were coming out of it. You’ve been out for twelve hours.”

Relief flooded Spock’s mind and he could no longer keep his eyes open.

****

Spock opened his eyes to see Jim smiling, looking down at him. A smile so beautiful, a man so precious, Spock felt his eyes prick with tears once more.

 “Hey, hey. It’s okay.” Jim touched his face, leaned down to kiss a tear. “I’m right here.”

“You-you weren’t,” Spock said, his voice sounding rough to his own ears. “I lost you.”

“Lost me? Were you dreaming of Khan?”

“No. It was…on Myriad.”

Jim grabbed Spock’s hand. The touch was warm and electric, a sign their bond, though not yet formed, would be soon, could be soon. A beauty to behold. It overwhelmed him. “You didn’t lose me, Spock. I’m right here.”

Of course, Spock knew he _had_ lost him. And the pain of that loss was still there, though now Jim was there at his bedside. But now was not the time to dwell on that. He’d done it…Jim was alive.

“We still must be bonded,” Spock said instead, softly.

“We will be. We can talk about going to New Vulcan to go through it, if you want.”

“Yes.” Spock nodded. There was nothing he wanted more. No one. “But I wish to marry you in the human way also.”

“Yeah?” Jim leaned down to kiss him. “You have to get better first. And what the hell, Spock? You almost got yourself killed.”

Better me than you, Spock could not help but think. “I wanted to save you.”

The blue eyes softened. “Well, you did. You almost gave me a heart attack though. Once you get out of here, we’ll talk to the admiralty about getting our official papers so we can bond and get married.”

“That would be agreeable.”

“I love you. And I love that you want to marry me the human way, too. Because I know it’s totally not necessary for you. Vulcans think it is only logical to bond.”

“I will bond with thee.” Spock brought Jim’s fingers to his lips. “I would marry you the human way. The Orion way. The Andorian way. And all the other ways and species of the universe. As long as you are always at my side.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I first started writing this, I wasn't sure where I was going but I ended up where I am with it: having a time travel element. I wrote it so that no one knew Spock was doing this, so it would have to be something only he knew about, so some sort of personal device. After all time travel is not real so I figured it could be done any way I wanted it to happen. 
> 
> I did not intend to go into the details. I am not a time travel expert so I did not attempt to explain how it was done.


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